Think of Israel

This morning was a low morning for me. After a relatively peaceful hour of drinking coffee and praying with Brian, spending time with the Lord and eating breakfast I was absolutely overcome with anxiety about the uncertainty of our future. Brian suggested that I return to the kitchen table to read and pray some more -- to find peace he said. I hate being told to do the right thing when I just want to wallow in anxiety and self-pity. And Brian telling me to go and find peace reminded me a lot of when my friend Candice tells her 3 year old to go upstairs and find his smile. 

So I kind of did that, but ended up back in bed with the covers over my head. (Which is what I imagine my 3 year old friend does too before he finds his smile.) Brian found me there and said, "Sweetie, I want you to think about the Nation of Israel..." I immediately burst into tears, "WE ARE IN THE WILDERNESS ... sob, sob... WANDERING AROUND INDEFINITELY... sob ..."

"No, actually I was thinking about Caleb and Joshua and how they went into the promised land to spy it out and came back saying that God was plenty big to deliver it into their hands. Let's be like Caleb and Joshua, let's trust that God is good and big enough to provide for us, to deliver a promised land to us."

"sniff...  sniff ... Caleb and Joshua ... okay."

"I really think that's what would please God in this season of waiting, that we would trust Him and not see the circumstances as too big."

And while I can't really identify with Caleb and Joshua because I don't believe that God has yet shown us where He's taking us, I do believe Brian is right. It would please God for me to Trust Him for our future, however uncertain it may be.

Over the past six months I've had to stop trusting God for the big engineering job for Brian and a big house for us to fill up with little Ramseys. And I've had to begin trusting that He and His provision for us, whatever that will be, will be enough. God does not owe me stability. I don't have a right to an American dream-ish life and thank God, because the Life He offers is so much better.